PTSD / Vet's Wife Self-Publishing / Chapter 33 Excerpt

The clock ticks louder and pressure is building.  Will I make my self-imposed book release date of July 4th?  A GIANT QUESTION MARK! 

Chapter One of my memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, begins on July 3rd . . . this date is huge to the topic of my story.

My final draft of the MANUSCRIPT was emailed to my self-publisher on Monday, June 4th, for basic formatting.  What surprised me was a feeling I can only liken to the empty nest syndrome.  I've put my HEART and SOUL into my writing for so many years, I feel lost without it!  Do all writers experience this with their first book?  I've sent my heart out into the world, the house echoes with emptiness.  Will the world be KIND or CRUEL?   

An avid reader all my life, I never stopped to think how much work went into publishing the bazillion books buttering our planet that I took for granted.  But I do NOW!  As a novice, it's enormous!  Am I just a wimp?  Or too much of a perfectionist?  No one else complains.

I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time.  It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.
           -Virginia Woolf

(I've placed the following excerpt here for my READERS ONLY, so they don't have to plow through the publishing jargon that I share with other writers).

Chapter 33 Excerpt . . .

     I turned in my sleep, automatically reaching for my husband.  But my hand touched cold empty sheets.  I opened one eye and glanced at the clock.  It was 4:00 a.m.  An alarm went off in my head; the bars close at two.  Unable to fall back to sleep I slipped out of bed, wandered out into the hall and turned on the light.  Shivering in a thin nightgown, I made my way to the living room.  There in the shadows Lorne slept on the couch, fully clothed, curled in a fetal position.  Still half asleep, I shuffled barefoot across the carpet; my only thought was to coax my husband to bed where he would be more comfortable.

     “Lorne,” I whispered, leaning over him, gently laying my hand on his shoulder.

     Suddenly, his eyes snapped open.  He leapt from the couch, landing in a tight crouching position.  His jaw muscles twitched in the dim light, his fists clenched at his chest, ready to strike.  He scared me to death.

     “LORNE!” I shouted, backing away, “IT’S ME, NANCY!”

     Hearing my voice, his eyes came into focus and his facial expression softened.  He was groggy and shaken, but he realized where he was and straightened up, letting his hands drop to his side. 

     “God damn it, Nancy,” he reprimanded me, “don’t ever do that again.  I could have hurt you bad.  And God knows I don’t ever want to do that.”  Shaking his head, he ran his fingers through his hair.  “Nancy, you just don’t understand.  You have no idea what I’m capable of doing.  Promise me you’ll never do that again.”

     “I promise,” I said timidly, sinking into the couch.  I reached up and turned on the lamp.

     Lorne sat down next to me, his brow creased, confusion obscuring his face.  He lit a cigarette, leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees, and stared out into the dark kitchen.      

      “Baby, I’ve seen and done things I can’t tell you about.  Terrible things,” he said, not looking at me.  “The jungle in Nam was hell.  And the nights were worse.  Black as pitch, you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face; I never saw anything like it.  You sleep with one eye open.  You never knew when one of those gooks in their black pajamas would reach out and stick a knife in your gut.  Couldn’t see the little bastards but you knew they were there.  You couldn’t hear ‘em but you could smell ‘em.  Never knew who would get it next.  Which sorry bastard would get his throat slit?. . .  

My Latest Trials and Triumphs . . .   

My last blog detailed my encounter with the MUSIC PUBLISHING world. Their quick response was welcome, but I later learned there were "two writers names" on the copyright of the lyrics that were THE END of  my story!  Okay, now what?  The good price I was quoted was good only if the other writer agreed to it.  If not, they were each to be paid the higher price!

Thank goodness, my self-publisher saved me a lot of money.  They refused to COUNT BOOKS SOLD, which was a requirement in the copyright.  Can't count books printed one at a time!  Instead, I stubbornly rewrote the last chapter without using the song lyrics . . . even though it REALLY HAPPENED. 

Note:  For the full impact of Chapter 107,  the reader might want a copy of the words to Are You Lonesome Tonight? close at hand.

FORMATTING - The process of "laying out" text and illustrations to convert a manuscript into a finished book page design                 Independent Self-Publishing - the complete guide by Michael N. Marcus

Personally, I lack expertise when it comes to the whistles and bells that hide behind the written words on my computer screen, which magnifies my challenge with formatting my manuscript.

Once the manuscript was submitted and accepted by the self-publisher, my next step was agreeing to the contract and payment.  At that time, they wanted information for THE BOOK TEXT FILE . . . I chose 5.5 x 8.5 (black and white interior only) and creme color paper.

This self-publisher has a limit of 14 ACCEPTABLE FONTS that are used by their printer, allowing the writer to use ONLY TWO of these fonts throughout the manuscript.  The end result:  I chose Palatino Linograph for the body of my text and Arial for titles.  It was time consuming to adjust my 108 chapters to this requirement.  I know there's an easier way, but I wasn't taking a chance of messing up my work at this late stage.

Also noted:  Tabs should be set at .25 or .3, not .5.  DO NOT USE TABS TO INDENT PARAGRAPHS.  Tabs should be replaced with indents.  No idea how to safely perform this task!

(My self-publisher agreed to handle the few tasks I shyed away from).

I think it was at this point I actually REALIZED we were converting a 8.5 x 11 manuscript, 408 double-spaced pages into a 5.5 x 8.5 Trade Paperback!  This meant my book could grow to 500 pages, including blank pages and PART NUMBER inserts.  Not good!  TOO BIG!  The price of a book is determined by the page count.

My challenge: SHRINK THE BOOK!

I ended up outlining a templet of the 5.5 x 8.5 printable area on a clear plastic sleeve with a marker.  Then I proceeded to change fonts, sizing and spacing on one page my manuscript.  One at a time, I'd slip them into the sleeve. This allowed me to judge which combinations would be EASIEST TO READ, while downsizing my work.  I changed the style and size of the chapter number and title as well.

I was on a MISSION - DOWNSIZE the number of pages to cut the cost to the buyer.

As I was formatting, I noticed the WASTED space at the end of many chapters.  

I skimmed through books, looking for ways I could conserve space and I found what I was looking for in a book by Elizabeth Gilbert - "rolling chapters."  Gilbert's publisher began each new chapter within a FEW SPACES of the previous chapter.  A few spaces, a bold chapter number and her story continued, eliminating wasted space.  Actually, I never noticed it until I began my research.  Gilbert's publisher may have done this for the same reason.  And it looks GREAT!

The END RESULT - 188 single spaced 8.5 x 11 pages.  I won't know the final count, nor the thickness of the cover spine, until my manuscript is returned for final proofing.

My FINAL STEP -  To alert my book cover designer in Australia the spine width, which is necessary in completing his work. Once the cover and manuscript are downloaded to the self-publisher - I wait for the galley (first copy printed).  And the BIRTH of my first book. :)

To be continued . . .

Lessons learned . . . my two cents

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."     

                                                                       ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Self-Publishing / PTSD - A Passage of Passion

Lately, I feel like a puppet whose strings are tangled, trapping my arms behind my back and my feet up over my head.  My thoughts are scattered like my many projects.  Focus comes in spurts and splatters with so many loose ends eager to be tied.  This Gemini sure wishes the other me would get busy and do her share.

Then I remember - I'm on a journey - a PASSAGE, much like life itself, where we never know what to expect.  A passage of passion isn't always neat and tidy.

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. 
          ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The last few months have been tumultuous.  My eyes crisscrossed and my brain scrambled with the plethora of self-publishers available online.  Far behind schedule I had to make a decision . . . flipping a coin entered my mind more than once!

July 4th seems to be approaching at the speed of light!

I did a comparison of the top POD (print-on-demand) companies and their services - amenities that were included / add-ons / other options / and cost involved.  The scenario's went every-which-way.  I weighed my alternatives like labor pains until I reached a DECISION . . .

This company's goal is to get a quality book quickly into the market (usually in a month or less) with the lowest out-of-pocket cost to you, greatly increasing the time it takes to make back your investment.  The majority of their revenue comes from public book sales, not service fees, which is why they request a writer to submit their manuscript for APPROVAL prior to acceptance.  Their acceptance rate is less than fifty percent. 

To be honest, this was one of the reasons I chose this company, and I'm pleased to say my manuscript was accepted.  Now I must wade through their multi-paged contract, but this should be a walk in the park compared to the last 30 days. 

"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers." -Jose Narosky

Combat and PTSD go hand in hand.  One is usually enmeshed with the other.  Yet I often wonder about those who do not suffer PTSD after combat.  Who are these survivors and why them?  What makes them different?  What unique attribute do they possess that shields them from the horror of war?  What is their common thread?

One day, I plan to research this phenomenon.  

My last post announced my decision to donate a portion of the proceeds from my memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife to Pets for Vets, a group pairing veterans suffering with PTSD and rescued dogs.  As a courtesy, I sent them an email confirming my decision.  Their response was electric!  I was welcomed with open arms.

On March 23rd, they posted my blog on their Facebook and by the feedback, I knew I found my audience - others who know what it's like to live with PTSD.  Pets for Vets has offered to put my memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, on their website when the book is released - I'm aiming for July 4th, 2012.

Pets for Vets reaction far exceeded anything I ever imagined.  I'm humbled by this experience.  Please check them out at www.facebook.com/petsforvetsinc and see what a unique service they offer our veterans.

"According to the thread on Zoetrope, which came from an article in the Guardian, it cost one author $1500 to quote two lines from a Bob Marley song in his novel. The concept of fair use doesn't apply to lyrics."  

                             - Dawn Copeman, Writing-World.com

The final chapter of my memoir contains song lyrics that are crucial to the end of my story.  It was written exactly as it happened - my proof is safely tucked away in the back of a drawer, along with my husband's bronze stars.

Last week, I started the copyright search pertaining to these song lyrics.  My publisher advised that such permission could cost "hundreds to thousands of dollars" - which I do not have.  My plan was to beg on bended knee, if necessary, not knowing if these fees are iron clad - or flexible. 

I contacted ASCAP via email because the song in question did not appear on their database.  A reply sat in my email the next morning with names, the Work ID and the ISWC.  But it lacked an email address. 

I called the first name on the list in New York city at the phone number provided.  After explaining my request, the male person on the line supplied a name and an email address.  That afternoon, I emailed them my Copyright Permission Letter along with the last 3 pages of my manuscript.  Within minutes, it came back undeliverable.  I tried 3 different times.  NO LUCK!

The next morning, I called and reached the same person.  He asked what addresses I used. "Oh, those are the wrong addresses."  I knew that.  Then he gave me with another . . . it went through.

Research online stated it could take anywhere from 4 weeks to 3 months to receive a reply.  Start early!  This was a main concern . . .   

Two days later, a formal "quote proposal" for the lyrics requested, appeared in my email.  I was ECSTATIC!  It's good for 30 days.  The pricing didn't SEEM outrageous, however, it's written in legal terminology.  I don't have a literary lawyer, so I sent an email to my new publisher, asking if she would be willing to look it over.  Hopefully, I hear back on Monday.

Lessons learned . . . my two cents

A manuscript should be professionally edited prior to submission to "any publisher," verifying the writers confidence in their own work.  That is, unless the writer is qualified to edit.

PTSD / Can One Woman and Her Book Make a Difference?

We can do no great things, only small things with great love. 
               ~Mother Teresa

During the 16 years I spent writing my memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife, one question kept tumbling around in my mind like marbles in a jar - WHAT can I do to help veteran's suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?  I felt a bond with each of them.  I knew their suffering.

Help is such a tiny word when related to such a BIG issue.  Webster's New World Dictionary used 31 lines to describe this little word - boiled down - "to make things easier."  PTSD is very REAL!  I know how  it feels and what it does to a marriage and family, my heart carries the scars.

I am only one WOMAN, who has spent half-her-life in the shadow of PTSD - either living with my husband's disorder, or writing about living with his PTSD.  I never knew at the time that I had developed PTSD by association.  Few know the heartbreak and terror, until they have lived with someone caught in the strangle-hold of this illness.  To be in the trenches with a ticking time bomb for what seemed like an eternity.  

In sharing my story, Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic, I hope to AWAKEN the world to the devastating aftermath of war living among us, and comfort those trapped in the trenches, knowing they are not alone.

But how can my memoir help disarm a veteran's horror buried deep within his MEMORY before it explodes?  How can I help defuse and neutralize it?  How?

I am only one, but I am one.  I cannot do everything, but I can do something.  And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.            ~Edward Everett Hale

One day, I had an AHA moment . . . and I knew what I must do!

My book is the only means I have of reaching other families, and our world, living with this nightmare.  I have no idea how many lives will be TOUCHED by my story, but I knew I wanted to donate a portion of each book sold to help veteran's caught on this crazy merry-go-round called PTSD.

I fervently began a search on the internet.  I was familiar with Wounded Warriors, who provide services to severely injured veterans during the time between active duty and transition to civilian life.  Large corporations donate heavily to large, well-established groups.
 
My quest was to find a GROUP that deals specifically with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light.  ~Norman B. Rice

One afternoon, I Skyped my sister in Ohio to chat.  It was then she told me she had watched a TV program the night before about veteran's with PTSD being rehabilitated using RESCUED dogs. 

"I wrote the name down, so I wouldn't forget to tell you," she said, holding a piece of paper up to the eye of her webcam. 

Here was the organization I had been looking for.  It was PERFECT - and from my sister! xo

"Pets for Vets" - Helping Our Brave Veterans Heal with a little help from Man's Best Friend

Their goal is to help heal the emotional wounds of military veterans by pairing them with a shelter dog who is specially selected to match his or her personality.  Professional animal trainers rehabilitate the dogs and teach them good manners to fit into the veteran's lifestyle.  Training can also include desensitization to wheel chairs or crutches as well as recognizing panic or anxiety disorder behaviors.

It's a win-win relationship . . .

Needy shelter dogs get a second chance at life while giving our returning soldiers a second chance at health and happiness.  The bonds of friendship formed between man and animal have the power to ease the suffering of our troops when they return from overseas . . .

Pets for Vets is a concrete way to thank U.S. Military Veterans for their service . . .

• Featured on NPR, CBS2 and CNN
• Donations are tax deductible to the fullest extent allowed by law
• Serving Veterans in Southern California, Washington State, Florida and Michigan
• With each veteran-dog match they provide all the necessary equipment for them to start their new life together

Currently, they're only in four states.  My VISION is to help donate enough so that Pets for Vets can gradually expand into every state in the nation, then into every city in that state.  Our veterans come from every corner of our country - I'd like to reach them all.  I can dream, can't I?

Please check Pets for Vets online, if you have any questions.  You may feel drawn to contribute a single donation dedicated to a veteran in your own life.

My tentative book release date is still set for July 4th, 2012, which gives me less than 4 months to get everything in place.  At this moment that seems impossible . . . but I'm not giving up.

Lessons learned . . . My two cents

I expect to pass through life but once.  If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.                                           ~William Penn

Self-Publishing Nitty-Gritty / Copyright / Excerpt

The Mesopotamian stone tablets of 3000 B.C. were man's first "books."  This was improved upon with "papyrus," and ""parchment," and finally the Gutenberg pressing press in 1455.  Before that, all books had to be copied by hand.  Gutenberg's Bibles ushered in the age of print.  Now, printing has gone one giant step farther:  Electronic Printing.       
        - Cork Millner, Write From the Start

A person who self-publishes for the first time has no idea how many different decisions there are to be made. The list seems endless!

It was not until I sat down to tackle the job of Self-Publishing my own work, that I realized I had not recorded the necessary steps from my research in some orderly fashion to move forward.  My original "Cheat Sheet into Publishing" from September 2011 - related to traditional publishing.  It was useless!  

This eye-opener led me to write today's post, where I begin to list what I need to do -  "as I do it" - and share a few gems I uncover along the way. 

“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. ”              ― Erma Bombeck 

Last week, Kay Thompson Lee, my free-lance editor, emailed me the final chapters of my memoir.  I was elated!  Then it struck me like a speeding car!  No more excuses!  I MUST decide on the publishing company to handle my book!  I'm one who has a hard time choosing a selection from a menu, let alone a publisher.

Kay has been my guiding star throughout the edit.  Her subtle suggestions and gentle manner kept me focused and encouraged.  The process involved - emailing Kay sections of my manuscript, five chapters at a time.  This way I didn't bury her alive with my 109 chapters, plus it allowed me one last proof-read before I hit SEND.  There was no hurry - after all, I was still in the process of studying "HOW TO SELF-PUBLISH."

Towards the end of January, I emailed the last section, Chapters 104 through 109 - the END of my book.  Within a week, Kay returned my Chapters 104 through 108, but she had changed Chapter 109 to an epilogue.  I never thought to use an epilogue in my memoir.  Kay thought differently . . . and she was right.

An epilogue is a mini story that explains what becomes of the characters in the future.

“Sharing will enrich everyone with more knowledge.”      ― Ana Monnar

Copywriting Your Book

Technically, any original creation, including a book, is automatically copyrighted by virtue of its creation.  However, if you choose, a formal copyright will offer an extra measure of protection.  Easy and inexpensive ($30), visit http://www.copyright.gov/.  The instructions include a request to send two copies of your work.  It's recommended you wait until you have your galleys, if not the final published version, before filing the form and sending the books.

Your Copyright Date

This I found interesting - If your Bound Book Date falls after July, meaning your Book Release Date is three to four months later, it's acceptable and recommended to put next year as your copyright date.  That way, your book stays "new" longer in the eyes of the book world.   - Peter Bowerman

Once you've seriously undertaken the self-publishing process, these will be among the first and foremost items on your to-do-list.  This list includes . . .

• ISBN
• Bar Code
• LCCN
• Copyright

Remember, your publishing entity may include these in "their package."  If this is the case, most likely these items will be in your publisher's name - not yours.  Be aware.  This needs to be discussed before you sign on the dotted line.  Think twice about signing away your foreign rights sales - it's more difficult to get them back later, if you need them.

• Copyright Page - is where all the above data comes together. Check books you own for a sample.

Song Lyrics

Are you considering using song lyrics in your book?  I AM! 

Music is one of  the most protected copyrightable works, infringement of copyright can carry heavy fines for which the author is responsible.

If your book includes lyrics from a song, you will need to request permission from the copyright holder.  This  includes cases where you are only using a stanza or two, and sometimes if your are using anything more than a single line.

Only song lyrics created and first published prior to 1923 are in the Public Domain in the United States.  If the song was created after that, you will need permission to use it in your work.

There are two great resources on the internet for finding the rights holders for most music and song lyrics, from the two leading music entities, ASCAP and BMI, respectively:

• www.ascap.com/ace/search.cfm?mode=search
• www.bmi.com/search/

Actually, I have three song titles, and one other song, where thirteen lines are embedded in my work.  It appears I will need to request permission from four different copyright holders.  This should be interesting!

My memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is compelling with thousands returning from war, unaware of the ruthless demons waiting in the shadows.  I know . . . I've seen them.

Chapter 34 Excerpt

          A huge Texas moon hung high over our solitary car, but darkness surrounded the deserted country road in the middle of nowhere. 

           “Are you going to be mad at me the rest of the night?”

           Lorne slammed on the brakes, thrusting our bodies hard against the seat belts.  He shoved the gearshift into park, and got out, leaving the car and me in the middle of the road with the door wide open.  He walked to the front of the car with his hands in his pockets, crossed in front of the headlights and took off up the shoulder of the road.  

           I sat stunned.  Unbuckling my seat belt, I hiked up my skirt and crawled over the console into the driver’s seat.  I pulled his door shut, putting the car into drive and followed him up the road. 

           “Lorne, I’m sorry,” I called out the open window.  “Please get back in the car.”

            “Get out of here and leave me alone,” he yelled over his shoulder, squinting into the headlights.

            “Please, Lorne,” I begged.  “It’s late and its pitch black out here.”  By now my head was throbbing.  “I won’t say another word, I promise. Just please get back in the car and let me take you home.”

Lesson learned . . . my two cents

Every secret of a writer's soul, every experience of his life, every quality of his mind is written large in his works.        - Virginia Woolf

The Self-Publishing Jitters of a Perfectionist . . .

My last post was Christmas Eve!  Good gravy. . . where does the time go? 

My blog copped an attitude on New Year's Day, and I'm hopeless when it comes to knowing what to do!  I was able to get in, but the letters I typed were INVISIBLE!  I couldn't see the curser, nor any words that I typed for at least 30 seconds, which I nicknamed, the PERIL of the PAUSE.  Doom to creativity! 

No one I knew could fix my problem.  For a quarter, I would have thrown that technical bully right through the window!

But life goes on . . . work as usual . . . spring classes began again in Santa Barbara . . . more chapters were emailed to and from my free-lance editor, as I continued to research the self-publishing arena.  But I was FRUSTRATED!  Is there such a class as, "How to Fix Your Own Computer?"

Then last week, I received a call from my bible study teacher, who graciously volunteered her husband.  We talked at church and he came by on Monday.  It took him two and a half hours, and had something to do with a YouTube download, but my computer is fixed . . . "AND I'M BACK!"

"Thanks, Dave, you were heaven sent!" 

"This nation will remain the land of the free, as long as it is the home of the brave."   - Elmer Davis 

The final six chapters of Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, were emailed to my free-lance editor last evening.  Once this last group is returned, my memoir will be ready to self-publish.  Brave warriors have just returned home, and a new battle awaits many.  My story shows what took place within my family, and I pray it will help others find their own way.

"Perfection is not attainable.  But if we chase perfection, we can attain excellence."     - Vince Lombardi 

Perfectionism can be a curse, but when you're raised by a perfectionist, you either follow the same path, or you rebel, regressing into a contented slob.  But after so many years, the ideals of a perfectionist are intrinsically engrained to my core.   

There lies my dilemma!  How do I choose the right Self-Publisher for my book? 

Each week, I find another company whose promotions catch my eye.  My mind is a jumble of names, and all the options available.

Before the holidays, I had more or less decided to go with Amazon. Their name is WELL-KNOWN, especially since their bold move into publishing, wooing some of their top authors, and challenging major publishers.

Their online data was impressive, however, their packages seemed expensive.  Yes . . . they do have many levels to choose from . . . but once I saw the "top of the line" . . . that's what I wanted!  What can I say?  But something else was hindering my decision.  The weight of the paper!  Am I too picky? 

It appears that Amazon only offers 60lb offset paper.  I've seen books published with Create Space, and the pages were stiff, like they could easily break away from the binding.  I've read that most traditional publishers used 50lb paper.  Personally, I still like the "feel" of a book in my hands, as I curl up in bed at night to read.  I prefer soft pages that "fan" easily.  Are there others like me?

"A man would do nothing, if he waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault."  
- John Henry Newman

Recently, I stumbled upon another self-publishing press that caught my attention.  Outskirts Press . . . they offer the flexibility and control of self-publishing, combined with the full-service support and confidence of a book publishing company, all under one roof.  They claim to be there before, during and after publication with a dedicated group of publishing professionals, while you maintain 100% of your publishing rights and 100% of your profits.

They offer many package options at reasonable prices . . . plus 50lb and 55lb paper!  Their crème-white is 30% recycled natural off-white color.

They also offer select marketing services and products to all authors, regardless of where or how you published your book.

My question:  Has anyone out there reading this blog used Outskirts Press?  And if so, could you please share your experience?  I would be most grateful . . . as would many others.

Lesson Learned . . . my two cents

"It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires a great deal of strength to decide what to do."  - Elbert Hubbard

Ghost of Christmas Past / Chapter 15 Excerpt

For many children, Christmas is a time of year filled with wonder and excitement . . . it's Jesus birthday and Santa Claus is coming!  Pine trees are dragged indoors to be decorated.  Strings of colored lights transform a normal house into a magical castle.  The children's anticipation is electric! 

Joy and laughter dominate our TV screens.  Polished white smiles coax us to spend more than we should as we scramble to find the perfect gift for each name on our list.  Others show beautiful people dressed in stunning outfits attending lavish parties.  This is what we strive for . . .    

Everything appears perfect!

This is what we see and are made to believe.  But for many, these images are far out of reach and simply crumble at their feet.

Holidays can trigger memories to slip to the surface when least expected.  We each walk our separate path in life, which leaves indeliable footprints from the past.  Many we cherish and share with family and friends.  Yet there are others we'd like to forget.  Certain holidays can bring back strong feelings, depending on the path we've traveled.

Right now, you can probably recall your happiest holiday ever.  But also, maybe another you wish you could forget . . . like an elephant standing in the corner.

For me, I desire to dwell on happy, simpler times, shared mostly with my children.  Their innocence and goodness gave my life meaning when times were difficult . . . .

"Some of the secret joys of living are not found by rushing from point A to point B, but by inventing some imaginary letters along the way."          -  Douglas Pagels

Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, shows the best of times and the worst of times for one ordinary couple. The mystery of falling in love, the clumsiness of courtship, and the struggles of a new family trying to make it work. Gradually, moments of simple joy entangled with the trials and tribulations of PTSD, become normal. 

And there were holidays . . . like the one I share below, a simple and quiet time . . . a happy memory.

December 14, 1974   

                                                                                              

     It was eleven days before Christmas and we were off to buy a tree.  The children chased each other down the sidewalk before piling into the back of Lorne’s car, each clamoring for a seat by the window.  Their carefree giggles warmed the chilly afternoon air.  On the surface we looked like any ordinary family . . . too bad it wasn’t true. 

          

     “Okay kids,” Lorne shouted across the lot.  He struggled to free another tree from the huge compressed pile at his feet.  Then one broke loose; he vigorously pounded the trunk on the ground, releasing the branches.

     “Run back, and tell me if the trunk’s straight,” he called, surveying the tree up close.          

     Cory ran over to me, his pale hair flying, his cheeks flush.  “Mom, Mom, come look,” he said, tugging me by the hand.  “Can we get this one?  It’s a real good tree.” 

     His innocent wonder was like food for my soul. 

     Later that evening, Lorne sat quietly watching the children rummage through the dusty old boxes I had dragged down from the attic.  Each year they helped me trim the tree; it was our tradition.  They would hunt for treasured ornaments stored in boxes wrapped in tissue paper, calico stars and hand painted angels they had made in kindergarten; stained glass ornaments embellished with their names, made by their Aunt Karen, my sweet sister.   

     Once the last ornament was hung on the tree and baby Jesus was safe in the manger, I turned off the lights, signaling Scott to plug in the tree.  It sprang to life, fat and robust, dancing in lights.  Draped in gold garlands and layered with shiny red balls, tiny gold flutes and red velvet bows, the tree resembled a Norman Rockwell painting. 

     “Okay kids, its way past your bedtime,” I announced standing up.  “It will still be here in the morning.”

     I left Lorne staring into the twinkling tree lights while I put Tiffy to bed.

          

     “Mommy, when is Santa coming?” she asked, crawling under her covers.

     "In eleven days,” I replied, tucking in her blankets.  I leaned down, tweaked her nose and gave her a kiss.  “He will be here before you know it.”

     I knew the boys no longer believed but I hoped to hide it from her as long as possible.  When the boys brought up the subject trying to corner me, I simply said, “Santa doesn’t bring presents to children who don’t believe in him.” And for the time being, that worked.    

     Once the boys settled down, I kissed them goodnight and headed downstairs.  Glancing over the banister, I noticed Lorne was still fixated on the tree. 

  

     "A penny for your thoughts,” I said, sitting next to him. 
  

     Lorne turned, then reached out and took my hand.  A strange look covered his face . . .

Lesson Learned . . . my two cents

 “Affliction is often that thing which prepares an ordinary person for some sort of an extraordinary destiny.”
- C.S. Lewis

Our Soldiers are Returning / Write Your Heart Out

The holidays are upon us and the busy-ness is endless, so today I've done something different . . .

Our soldiers have returned from Iraq this week, just in time for the holidays, and I decided to repost a blog from May . . . which shows what's in my heart and why I write. 

My heart is over-joyed for these families that have been reunited, yet in the dark recesses of my mind, I remember so well and worry.  My prayers are that these men and women are counseled and debriefed before being expected to fit back into society, and are given a solid contact name to call, if needed.  Someone who has been where they have been, someone they can trust with their feelings!  Also, that their families and friends have compassion and patience as these warriors try to adjust back into family life.

This is their GREATEST DESIRE . . . please remember where they've been and what they've been through.

The trick is keeping your heart open.     Natalie Goldberg

May 5, 2011

This blog began as a tool to move me into publishing.  Accountability for my time and actions was my purpose.  Most entries have been lighthearted and chatty, other than the first.  But the time has come when I must share more.  And I'm uncomfortable.  So please bear with me.

Write your heart out.  Never be ashamed of your subject and your passion for your subject.     Joyce Carol Oates

War has gone on since the beginning of man's creation.  And will continue until the end of time.  This necessary evil brings death and pain not only to its victims, but also to the warriors and their loved ones covering our small planet.  It's not the way we'd like it to be . . . it is the way it is.

Brave men and women fight wars in hostile lands where life is valued differently.  Armed with rifles, they're exposed to sights and sounds no human being should ever witness.  And at times, they must engage in unthinkable acts to save their friends, which riddles them with shame and guilt.  Or they survive an ambush and the others don't. 

Can you imagine the horror? 

It's not a movie in the theater you pay to watch . . . it's real life!  And it's happening this moment in remote parts of the world.  How does a warrior return to a normal life with this running through their head?

It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder . . . a normal reaction to abnormal life threatening stress. 

Those who know me know my story.  They know what I wrote about, and why.  And those who don't know me, other than through this blog, will one day share an experience . . . one that will be hard to forget.

My book?  It's a love story.  And shows how I met the love of my life and we were married.  He was a Vietnam vet.  I didn't know he had post traumatic stress disorder.  I didn't know what post traumatic stress disorder was.  Nor did I know I would develop PTSD from living with my husband's illness. 

The ravages of war tainted our marriage eclipsing it into a nightmare.  And by grace alone, my love gave me the strength and the courage to survive.

I Corinthians 13:4-7  Love suffers long and is kind . . . bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  

Excerpt from my book proposal . . .

Diary of a Vet's Wife shows the innocence of love unblemished with hope and promise, unaware of the imminent demons vowing destruction.  And all too soon her impossible dream is shattered by nightmares her husband doesn't recall and hidden pain he refuses to share.  Her love is unyielding, her journey is long.  She retreats to a life of secrets in order to spare the children and her family from the truth, yet she has no place to turn.

The reader will slip into her world like a fly on the wall as she takes them places most have never been, while bonding with others who know the terrain that only love dare travel.

So there you have it . . .

Lesson learned . . . my two cents

Be open to your readers opinions . . . they're one of the reasons you write.

Show compassion to our brave men and women who have served and suffered for this nation, and our safety. You never know what a person is going through by looking at them.  Would you lay down your life for your country?  Please do me a favor.  When you see someone in uniform, or meet someone who has served in our military, go up to them, shake their hand and say, "Thank you."  It would mean so much to them.  I know from experience . . .