PTSD / Diary of a Vet's Wife / The Truth and Vulnerability

“A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended.”       ― Ian McEwan 
 

My memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, has reached the far corners of our planet in search of readers living in the wake of PTSD. I invite others with compassion for our warriors, to learn what too many veterans contend with after they return from combat. Each family may cope with something different, yet we belong to each other. I can only show what happened to me and my family.
 

Telling the truth has opened wounds I cannot heal. I can only say, "I'm sorry." Had I not put my story on paper, I was sure it would have eaten me alive from the inside out. I have made myself vulnerable so others might learn and to give them hope.

It takes two to speak the truth one to speak, and another to hear. ~ Henry David Thoreau

The past months have vanished like a breath in the wind as I plow through books and websites of  MARKETING ideas. Each morning I face my opponent boldly as it winks and taunts me with a beckoning finger, enticing me into yet another maze of information to be digested. It can be overwhelming, but I know this too shall pass.

Regretfully, I've had little time lately for writing and creating, so I decided to post a blog from earlier last year that you may not have seen:

Wounded Warriors Walk Among Us     (February 2, 2012)

"After wars' end, soldiers once again become civilians and return to their families to try to pick up where they left off.  It is this process of readjustment that has, more often than not, been ignored by society." -- Major Robert H. Stretch, Ph.D in Textbook of Military Medicine: Vol. 6 Combat Stress

Recently, we witnessed our troops returning home from Iraq. It was the biggest U.S. withdrawal since WWII with another 33,000 troops due home from Afghanistan this year. Certainly GREAT NEWS for families praying for their safe return.  

Major television stations throughout the country broadcast the "Homecoming" of these brave man and women reuniting with loved ones after a long fierce war. Spellbound voyeurs, we shared in the first crushing embraces and unashamed tears, while young children were swooped up in happiness and held high overhead. We grinned as bright-eyed babies warily met their fathers for the first time.

But all parties come to an end. The time comes for our veterans to return home and emotionally detach from the war they left behind thousands of miles across the sea. Everyone wants to believe they can STEP BACK into the lives they left behind - but it hurts me to say, it doesn't work that way. 

Battle has changed each of them. Some physically, all mentally. It's this knowledge that burdens my heart. I've been there - I know what clings to the shadows.

When news came to Walt Whitman that his brother George had been wounded at Fredericksburg during the Civil War, Whitman rushed south to find him. Though his brother's injury was slight, Whitman was deeply affected by his first view of the war's casualties. He began visiting the camp's wounded and, almost by accident, found his calling for the duration of the war. Three years later, he emerged as the war's "most unlikely hero," a living symbol of American democratic ideals of sharing and brotherhood.    

                     - The Better Angel, by acclaimed biographer Roy Morris, Jr.

Last week on MSNBC, I saw that St Louis was the first city in our country to have a parade for their returning warriors from Iraq. I was moved by the heart of this city because they understood what should be done to HONOR our veterans and help the HEALING begin  . . . and they did it!   

  

Why hasn't this happened all over the country? These brave men and women deserve our loyalty and respect along with our ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of the SACRIFICES they endured for us. We sit home safe and secure enjoying the peace we take for granted, while these men and women fight and die for our country in another land far away. I don't understand .
    

  

I feel the need to share my thoughts because I lived with a Vietnam veteran who suffered with PTSD for 16 years. He was the love of my life, but at that time there was no help. Today, resources are at our fingertips through the wonder of the Internet. Although they are still not enough to meet all the needs of our veterans it's a start. 

One reason I wrote my story, Diary of a Vet's Wife, was to show our country what was happening right under their noses, and to give support to those families now living the nightmare. This CRISIS is real. The war does not stop when our troops withdraw from combat. It follows them home like a big black dog.

My memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, shows the devastating side effects of war on one family, yet I know there are mega-thousands throughout the world living this nightmare as I once did.  How can we STOP it?

The signs of post traumatic stress disorder MAY start out subtle. Many refuse to admit anything is wrong.

What You Need to Know

• Traumas happen to many competent, healthy, strong, good people.
• Many people have long-lasting problems following exposure to trauma.
• People who react to traumas are not going crazy.
• Having symptoms after a traumatic event is not a sign of personal weakness.
• When a person understands trauma symptoms better, he or she become less fearful and are better able to manage them.

PTSD Symptoms/Signs generally fall into 3 main categories: 

    

     Intrusive - Re-experiencing traumatic events                                                

• Distressing recollections
• Flashbacks
• Nightmares
• Feeling anxious or fearful

     Avoidant - Drawing inward or becoming emotionally numb

• Extensive and active avoidance
• Loss of interest
• Feeling detached from others
• Restricting your emotions
• Trouble remembering
• Shutting down
• Feeling strange
• Not feeling pain or other sensations

     Hyper-arousal - Increased physical or emotional arousal

• Difficulty sleeping
• Irritability
• Difficulty concentrating or thinking clearly
• An exaggerated startle response
• Being overly angry or aggressive
• Panic attacks

     Triggers can include the following:

• Specific scenes
• Movement
• TV
• Sound or smell
• Reading
• Touch
• Situational

If you or a loved one seems overwhelmed by PTSD symptoms, please remember, there are many resources available to you. If you need immediate help, PLEASE GET IT NOW! PTSD does not go away on it's own . . . and will only get worse left unattended. 

Below I've listed the number of The Veterans Crisis Line. Please check out Veterans Crisis Line.net, even if you don't think you need it now. Get familiar with the resources available, and save this information for easy access.  Please call . . .


The Veterans Crisis Line is a U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs resource that connects Veterans in crisis and their families with qualified, caring VA professionals through a confidential toll-free hotline and on-line chat.

Download the Veterans Crisis Line logos and other graphics to display on your website or materials to show support for our Nation's Veterans and help them get the care they deserve.

The new VA suicide prevention hotline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255), recently reported that it's received more than 55,000 calls, averaging 120 per day, with about 22,000 callers saying they were veterans.

(Excerpts taken from retired website: PTSD Combat: Winning the War Within)

 Lesson Learned . . . My two cents

"We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it in full."    - Marcel Proust

Thank you for stopping. If you're unable to post a comment here, you can email me at:  onhrway@earthlink.net.

"Diary of a Vet's Wife" reveals PTSD / Marketing / Reviewers

On December 5, 2012, Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, left the protection of my heart and stepped boldly out into the world. I am the woman who lived this life, but I know there are thousands throughout the world who know the love, heartbreak and fear I share on the pages of my memoir.     

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tunes without words, and never stops at all. -Emily Dickinson 

I flew to AUSTRALIA three days after my book came out where I wandered the crusty shores of this beautiful country. A shoreline dappled with porous coves, vanishing rock pools and jagged slabs of rock that only nature could construct. Its powerful dashing crashing surf could seduce any CALIFORNIA girl with a wink. A dream-like Christmas holiday with my daughter and her family, a rare and loving gift.

I had planned to detail the breathtaking landscape, the gentleness of its people and a petting zoo hopping with baby KANGAROOS. Tales of its hungry wind and calf-burning hills, an enchanted white butterfly, and my first taste of PAVLOVA drenched in PASSIONFRUIT. 

But when I turned on my computer, MSNBC opened with a major headline: The enemy within: Soldier suicides outpaced combat deaths in 2012!  Reality yanked me back by the hair.

Our brave men and women who go where they're told to fight the battles they're handed are giving up! They are OUR NATIONS BACKBONE and we MUST stand beside them!

Sometimes reality is too complex. Stories give it form.   - Jean Luc Godard

The following week another MSNBC article, "Like an airborne disease," was startling. It told of the increase in family members taking their own lives. I immediately emailed the NBC news correspondent who wrote the article to briefly relate my own dance with the demons, my book and my passion to reach others with HOPE. He replied in NINE MINUTES! I was shocked! 

Other articles he wrote showed the COMPASSION he shares for our warriors and their families. He also sent me the names of two top RESOURCES to start my quest, plus the following excerpt from his email:

Sorry to say, I don't think we would do anything specifically on your book. But when we revisit this topic - whether it would be about PTSD or suicide - I can use you as a source and include the title of your book. I have a couple of upcoming stories where your thoughts and experiences may fit in well. 

A note to all writers: Go with your INSTINCT! Turn over every rock on your path because you never know what treasure lies beneath - when it comes to MARKETING your work.

 The next phase of my journey - MARKETING 911 . . .

On June 26, 2011, I posted a blog entitled Marketing in an Electronic World . . . My First Steps.

• create a blog
• construct a MARKETING PLAN
• join a Writers Group Online

On July 28, 2011, I posted, The Marketing Medusa . . . Don't Let it Overwhelm You!

• qualities needed to successfully market your book
• locating your target audience and others for your work

Reference above posts . . .  

Since my return from Australia, the main focus has been Reviews/Reviewers. I had ordered 25 books before I left. They were waiting like happy puppies. The  more you order the better the discount. The first copies are being sent to friends and family I ACKNOWLEDGE in my memoir. Pets for Vets was also on that list. A few organizations are still waiting for their copies. If only there were more hours in a day.  

Self-publishers have the INTERNET at their fingertips like a giant fortune teller with insomnia, its catacombs pulsating with answers as it waits for a question to be asked.

Multiple lists of Reviewers are available on the internet. Research to highlight those who read your genre and  verify they are accepting new books. ALWAYS contact a reviewer before you send your book. It could take 3-6 months to be reviewed. 

I'd like to invite any reviewer or book club interested in my memoir to contact me at diaryofavetswife@hotmail.com where we can discuss your request. This email address is on the back of my book for any reader or organization wanting to talk or share.

"Determine your "official publication date" (OPD) and make sure it's 90-120+ days after your "bound book date" (BBD), the date you have printed books in your hands. Use this period to get your book into the hands of key industry reviewers and to start building your book buzz.

For NICHE BOOKS - Keep beefing up your "final book" review copy list by hunting up websites that deal with your subject Area. Shoot for initial list of 200-300 and grow from there. Create a system for keeping track of your contacts."
                                                                      - Well-Fed Self-Publisher by Peter Bowerman

I'm overwhelmed by the reviews coming in. All seem touched with new insight as to what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder really is. Their kind words and encouragement continue to push me beyond my comfort zone. I can never thank you enough, for myself and all the others, who have met the demons I encountered and conquered!   

Food for thought . . . my two cents

I would greatly appreciate your reviews on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. It need not be long, but may coax someone else dealing with this issue to reach out for comfort in knowing they're not alone. My heartfelt thanks, if you're so led.   

As one reader wrote: 

Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is a story the American public may not want, but needs to hear. Especially now that there is a promised date to the Afghanistan presence of U.S. and troops of other nations, which will lead to large numbers of newly returned men and women who have experienced this certain form of hell.                                   Review by Jack Smith, writer and author

PTSD / Diary of a Vet's Wife Appeared on My Doorstep!

The first copy of Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder sits on my desk at my elbow. My husband's eyes look over at me. What I'm feeling is difficult to put into words, something quite poignant. After all the years and all the tears, my MEMOIR not only has a face, but now it has a physical presence. I hold in my hand a piece of my life that was so powerful I had to put it on paper to keep my heart from shattering. As I fan through the pages I watch my words blur under my thumb. I'm afraid if I blink it will disappear.

Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the  hearts of men.
      ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

It wasn't until I contacted my self-publisher to approve the galley that I learned there was still more WRITING to be done! More delay!

I was now requested to submit the Book Page Submission Form which included the following:

1. Author bio. Must use third person. Limit 50 words.
2. The total number of physical pages.
3. Search Terms. Specific words and phrases related to the subject of my book. Limit 20 words or phrases.
4. Chapters to Excerpt. They found that offering one or two chapters of the book for free to customers helped improve a books sales.
5. Short Description. Would be displayed on the category page. Limit 10 words. (Ten words? They had to be kidding!)
6. Long Description. It needed to be a description of what the book is about. LIMIT 500 WORDS. (This was going to take some time!)

It wouldn't be half-bad, if that was ALL that I was doing right now . . .

However, I'm also in the middle of getting ready to leave for AUSTRALIA on Saturday, December 8th to spend Christmas with my daughter and her family, returning on the 27th. What a dilemma! Everyone knows I HATE to pack, which I posted last year when I went to New Zealand. I still need to find that professional packer!

Talk about PRESSURE! Not to mention Christmas cards and presents.  It's a special time of year when we're should to be filled with peace and joy. Honestly, I am filled with GREAT JOY and thanksgiving, but where can I find peace with so much still to be done? Probably not until I buckle my seatbelt on Virgin Australia. :)

But there is HAPPY NEWS . . .

The writing requirements have been completed and my BOOK went up for SALE late yesterday afternoon at BookLocker, my self-publisher. The AUTHOR PAGE looks amazing! The book should appear soon on the other online sites (Amazon, B&N, Books-a-Million, etc), but I'll be out of pocket when it happens. The author photo was attached today and I leave for Australia on Saturday. Now this is what I call "CUTTING IT CLOSE!" :)

Attached is the link: http://booklocker.com/books/6576.html. The complete first chapter is available for viewing.

I apologize for writing in such haste, but I wanted to reach you before my flight takes off. I'll still be burning the midnight oil, but I'll definitely be happy to check "WRITE BLOG" off of my list. :)

I wish each of you a wonderful holiday season with friends and loved ones according to the tradition you celebrate. 2013 is but weeks away when we hail in another NEW YEAR. If I had only one wish, it would be that all wars end and that all peoples come together to live as one in peace and love . . .

"Safety and happiness can only come from individuals, classes, and nations being honest and fair and kind to each other."    ~ C.S. Lewis

PTSD / Diary of a Vet's Wife / Where's the Book!?!

On July 28, 2012, I learned that my memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder had slammed into a brick wall, and for a while, I didn't know if my PERFECT COVER was going to survive.  I was crushed . . . but not broken.

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.     Gilda Radner

My last post on July 16^th was a SNEAK PEEK at the cover of my memoir, Diary of a Vet’s Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  The PERFECT COVER for my story!

A literary high enveloped me as I downloaded my PERFECT COVER to Booklocker, my self-publisher, on July 28th.  My mind wandered as I envisioned unwrapping the brown paper package, which could arrive within two weeks.  After all the tears and all the years, I would finally hold in my hands, the first copy of Diary of a Vet's Wife, otherwise known as the galley.

The next day, I learned my cover had been rejected!!

It isn’t the mountain ahead that wears you out; it’s the grain of sand in your shoe.   Robert W. Service, poet

BookLocker’s email indicated there was no bleed . . . .  

What did that mean? I had no idea, so I looked it up: "A bleed is when a photo or graphic runs beyond the edge of the finished printed page, with the excess trimmed off before the book is bound.  You prepare for a bleed in the document setup before you begin your layout, and in the file preparation for the commercial printer after the design is finished."

I forwarded BookLocker's email to Australia, but they were already on holiday in Hawaii.  And I was leaving for my family reunion in Ohio - for THREE weeks.  What a predicament!

Hence, the parade of delays began . . . .

Once I returned from Ohio, my team in Australia worked diligently to correct the problem.  After another rejection, they apologized with the fact that they were unable to meet all of the printer's specifications.

I contacted BookLocker and asked if their cover designer could correct the bleed.  My next lesson unfolded . . . "like all written material, there’s an automatic copyright on original covers."  BookLocker’s cover designer would only design a NEW COVER!

But I didn't want a new cover!  Was I about to lose my PERFECT COVER?

A tearful pity party brought my sister to my rescue.  She and her husband have published a local newspaper in Ohio since 1995.  She said SHE COULD FIX IT!!  Thank you, Lord.  However, she and her assistant must start from scratch.  By working with the team in Australia, they could duplicate the original cover design, but I'd have to WAIT IN LINE with the newspapers yet to be published.  

“A setback is a setup for a comeback.”  T.D. Jakes 

Sadly, my technical-know-how could swim laps in a match box.  Without going into detail, I learned that "computer advertising" and "newspaper printing" each have their own unique set of specifications.  Never the two shall mix like oil and water.  Period.  

Self-publishing is a little like putting an octopus to bed.   Anne Lamott

I'll skip the details.  As soon as the three editions went to press, my sister, Karen, and her assistant, Amanda, went to work to re-create my PERFECT COVER.  All of the original photos, blurbs, book review, etc., had been sent from Sydney to Ohio, where everyone concurred to duplicate the original cover.  There were a few snags along the way, but all were determined to make it happen.  My sister is amazing!

I held my breath and waited.  Everything was upside-down and I had no idea how to translate this into a blog.  Anyone ever been there?

On October 29th, the re-creation of my PERFECT COVER was downloaded to BookLocker!  They acknowledged receipt!  The next day, I learned that shortly after my cover was sent, Hurricane Sandy hit Ohio, knocking power out for three days.  I feel guilty being happy when so many have had their lives and futures destroyed.  Please forgive me.

Where am I today?

As a writer, who decided to self-publish after a year of querying with no results, I can breathe again.  If I had known the challenges up-front, would I still have proceeded?  I don't know.  But I do know I'm a much stronger and self-confident person because of this journey.

What next? 

I wait for the galley.  And as soon as it arrives, I'm going to Trader Joes and buy bouquets of yellow roses!  Off  in the distance you might hear the sound of fireworks soaring through the heavens, as I compose a blog with the announcement.  I've spent almost two decades preparing for this moment!

My Personal Request ~

If anyone reading my memoir knew my husband, Lorne, in Viet Nam, I'd like to communicate with you.  Does anyone know who took the picture that's on the cover?  I'd be most grateful. . . .   

Please contact me @ diaryofavetswife@hotmail.com.  

PTSD / "Diary of a Vet's Wife" / Sneak Peek at the Cover

July 4th, 2012 was the date I set to release Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - the driving force behind my madness. Regretfully, I didn't make it. But I tried! The good news? I'm close, very close!

Liberty is the breath of life to nations.  ~George Bernard Shaw

As I sat watching the Fourth of July fireworks dance over New York city on TV, mesmerized by the blazing light show, my thoughts drifted to those who fought for the freedom we enjoy and often take for granted. Far too many young men and women gave the ultimate sacrifice. Yet what about those warriors who returned home dragging the war behind them?

Our country has such abundance, compared to what I see throughout the world and the havoc and terror so many have to deal with. Why must war rage on? The thirst for power ... freedom ... human dignity. The constant battle of good and evil. These wars we see from the outside, continue to FESTER on the inside long after they are over. And it's happening all over the world!

I know because I've lived with that aftermath of war. I know first hand the pain and heartbreak, and the never-ending feeling of helplessness.

Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may be my story, but there are thousands living as I once did, which compelled me to share my journey from its beginning. I wanted others to know they're not alone, and maybe they can learn from the lessons I was taught ... before it's too late.

A picture is worth a thousand words.  ~~ Napoleon Bonapart

Pictures can speak louder than the people in them. The setting - the light - the mood - the eyes.  Amazing photographs stream across the internet faster than a fire storm, yet they are soon forgotten. 

Then there are photographs hidden away in an old hat box in the back of a closet. Tucked out of sight for decades. Pictures that leave an INDELIBLE impression that often linger for a lifetime. 

During the last year I struggled with ideas for my book cover. Suggestions and renderings were offered but nothing was quite right.  A few months ago, my daughter and son-in-law in Australia sent an email asking to join the MacMillan team, and they volunteered to do the cover. Each creatively endowed in many areas, I was delighted to welcome them onboard.

Soon afterwards an email arrived requesting a photograph of my husband in uniform. Hmmm ... I didn't have such a photo. I didn't meet Lorne, my husband, until two years after he returned home from Vietnam.

Immediately, I called his mom in Houston and explained my dilemma. She wasn't sure if she had one either but said she would check.  A week or so later, I received a letter and six photos.  She apologized because she only had two of Lorne in uniform.

I had never seen either photo. One was an official military photo, the other just a snapshot. They held me captive as memories knawed at my heart. The following day I made copies for my mother-in-law and myself, then sent the originals to Australia.

Tiffany and Scott did their magic while I scrambled with what I had to do. There was proof-reading and formatting once the manuscript was sized to fit (5.5 x 8.5). Everything must be perfect. Self-publishing means you alone are responsible for any errors. Period! I still had to polish off a blurb for the back cover, which would also appear in Ingram's catalog with a 75 word minimum. I touched base with my patient editor a few more times. And there was the author photo to decide on.

When the back cover is complete, it will be downloaded for the printer. I then wait for the galley, the first book, which must be proof-read again - all 320 pages. Once I sign off on it - it's ready to roll! I promise to keep you posted! 

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

The sneak peek! Last Friday, I finally viewed the finished front cover of my book and I couldn't be more pleased.  It's perfect!  My story now has a face unlike any other.

PTSD / Vet's Wife Self-Publishing / Chapter 33 Excerpt

The clock ticks louder and pressure is building.  Will I make my self-imposed book release date of July 4th?  A GIANT QUESTION MARK! 

Chapter One of my memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, begins on July 3rd . . . this date is huge to the topic of my story.

My final draft of the MANUSCRIPT was emailed to my self-publisher on Monday, June 4th, for basic formatting.  What surprised me was a feeling I can only liken to the empty nest syndrome.  I've put my HEART and SOUL into my writing for so many years, I feel lost without it!  Do all writers experience this with their first book?  I've sent my heart out into the world, the house echoes with emptiness.  Will the world be KIND or CRUEL?   

An avid reader all my life, I never stopped to think how much work went into publishing the bazillion books buttering our planet that I took for granted.  But I do NOW!  As a novice, it's enormous!  Am I just a wimp?  Or too much of a perfectionist?  No one else complains.

I can only note that the past is beautiful because one never realises an emotion at the time.  It expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past.
           -Virginia Woolf

(I've placed the following excerpt here for my READERS ONLY, so they don't have to plow through the publishing jargon that I share with other writers).

Chapter 33 Excerpt . . .

     I turned in my sleep, automatically reaching for my husband.  But my hand touched cold empty sheets.  I opened one eye and glanced at the clock.  It was 4:00 a.m.  An alarm went off in my head; the bars close at two.  Unable to fall back to sleep I slipped out of bed, wandered out into the hall and turned on the light.  Shivering in a thin nightgown, I made my way to the living room.  There in the shadows Lorne slept on the couch, fully clothed, curled in a fetal position.  Still half asleep, I shuffled barefoot across the carpet; my only thought was to coax my husband to bed where he would be more comfortable.

     “Lorne,” I whispered, leaning over him, gently laying my hand on his shoulder.

     Suddenly, his eyes snapped open.  He leapt from the couch, landing in a tight crouching position.  His jaw muscles twitched in the dim light, his fists clenched at his chest, ready to strike.  He scared me to death.

     “LORNE!” I shouted, backing away, “IT’S ME, NANCY!”

     Hearing my voice, his eyes came into focus and his facial expression softened.  He was groggy and shaken, but he realized where he was and straightened up, letting his hands drop to his side. 

     “God damn it, Nancy,” he reprimanded me, “don’t ever do that again.  I could have hurt you bad.  And God knows I don’t ever want to do that.”  Shaking his head, he ran his fingers through his hair.  “Nancy, you just don’t understand.  You have no idea what I’m capable of doing.  Promise me you’ll never do that again.”

     “I promise,” I said timidly, sinking into the couch.  I reached up and turned on the lamp.

     Lorne sat down next to me, his brow creased, confusion obscuring his face.  He lit a cigarette, leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees, and stared out into the dark kitchen.      

      “Baby, I’ve seen and done things I can’t tell you about.  Terrible things,” he said, not looking at me.  “The jungle in Nam was hell.  And the nights were worse.  Black as pitch, you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face; I never saw anything like it.  You sleep with one eye open.  You never knew when one of those gooks in their black pajamas would reach out and stick a knife in your gut.  Couldn’t see the little bastards but you knew they were there.  You couldn’t hear ‘em but you could smell ‘em.  Never knew who would get it next.  Which sorry bastard would get his throat slit?. . .  

My Latest Trials and Triumphs . . .   

My last blog detailed my encounter with the MUSIC PUBLISHING world. Their quick response was welcome, but I later learned there were "two writers names" on the copyright of the lyrics that were THE END of  my story!  Okay, now what?  The good price I was quoted was good only if the other writer agreed to it.  If not, they were each to be paid the higher price!

Thank goodness, my self-publisher saved me a lot of money.  They refused to COUNT BOOKS SOLD, which was a requirement in the copyright.  Can't count books printed one at a time!  Instead, I stubbornly rewrote the last chapter without using the song lyrics . . . even though it REALLY HAPPENED. 

Note:  For the full impact of Chapter 107,  the reader might want a copy of the words to Are You Lonesome Tonight? close at hand.

FORMATTING - The process of "laying out" text and illustrations to convert a manuscript into a finished book page design                 Independent Self-Publishing - the complete guide by Michael N. Marcus

Personally, I lack expertise when it comes to the whistles and bells that hide behind the written words on my computer screen, which magnifies my challenge with formatting my manuscript.

Once the manuscript was submitted and accepted by the self-publisher, my next step was agreeing to the contract and payment.  At that time, they wanted information for THE BOOK TEXT FILE . . . I chose 5.5 x 8.5 (black and white interior only) and creme color paper.

This self-publisher has a limit of 14 ACCEPTABLE FONTS that are used by their printer, allowing the writer to use ONLY TWO of these fonts throughout the manuscript.  The end result:  I chose Palatino Linograph for the body of my text and Arial for titles.  It was time consuming to adjust my 108 chapters to this requirement.  I know there's an easier way, but I wasn't taking a chance of messing up my work at this late stage.

Also noted:  Tabs should be set at .25 or .3, not .5.  DO NOT USE TABS TO INDENT PARAGRAPHS.  Tabs should be replaced with indents.  No idea how to safely perform this task!

(My self-publisher agreed to handle the few tasks I shyed away from).

I think it was at this point I actually REALIZED we were converting a 8.5 x 11 manuscript, 408 double-spaced pages into a 5.5 x 8.5 Trade Paperback!  This meant my book could grow to 500 pages, including blank pages and PART NUMBER inserts.  Not good!  TOO BIG!  The price of a book is determined by the page count.

My challenge: SHRINK THE BOOK!

I ended up outlining a templet of the 5.5 x 8.5 printable area on a clear plastic sleeve with a marker.  Then I proceeded to change fonts, sizing and spacing on one page my manuscript.  One at a time, I'd slip them into the sleeve. This allowed me to judge which combinations would be EASIEST TO READ, while downsizing my work.  I changed the style and size of the chapter number and title as well.

I was on a MISSION - DOWNSIZE the number of pages to cut the cost to the buyer.

As I was formatting, I noticed the WASTED space at the end of many chapters.  

I skimmed through books, looking for ways I could conserve space and I found what I was looking for in a book by Elizabeth Gilbert - "rolling chapters."  Gilbert's publisher began each new chapter within a FEW SPACES of the previous chapter.  A few spaces, a bold chapter number and her story continued, eliminating wasted space.  Actually, I never noticed it until I began my research.  Gilbert's publisher may have done this for the same reason.  And it looks GREAT!

The END RESULT - 188 single spaced 8.5 x 11 pages.  I won't know the final count, nor the thickness of the cover spine, until my manuscript is returned for final proofing.

My FINAL STEP -  To alert my book cover designer in Australia the spine width, which is necessary in completing his work. Once the cover and manuscript are downloaded to the self-publisher - I wait for the galley (first copy printed).  And the BIRTH of my first book. :)

To be continued . . .

Lessons learned . . . my two cents

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."     

                                                                       ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Self-Publishing / PTSD - A Passage of Passion

Lately, I feel like a puppet whose strings are tangled, trapping my arms behind my back and my feet up over my head.  My thoughts are scattered like my many projects.  Focus comes in spurts and splatters with so many loose ends eager to be tied.  This Gemini sure wishes the other me would get busy and do her share.

Then I remember - I'm on a journey - a PASSAGE, much like life itself, where we never know what to expect.  A passage of passion isn't always neat and tidy.

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen. 
          ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The last few months have been tumultuous.  My eyes crisscrossed and my brain scrambled with the plethora of self-publishers available online.  Far behind schedule I had to make a decision . . . flipping a coin entered my mind more than once!

July 4th seems to be approaching at the speed of light!

I did a comparison of the top POD (print-on-demand) companies and their services - amenities that were included / add-ons / other options / and cost involved.  The scenario's went every-which-way.  I weighed my alternatives like labor pains until I reached a DECISION . . .

This company's goal is to get a quality book quickly into the market (usually in a month or less) with the lowest out-of-pocket cost to you, greatly increasing the time it takes to make back your investment.  The majority of their revenue comes from public book sales, not service fees, which is why they request a writer to submit their manuscript for APPROVAL prior to acceptance.  Their acceptance rate is less than fifty percent. 

To be honest, this was one of the reasons I chose this company, and I'm pleased to say my manuscript was accepted.  Now I must wade through their multi-paged contract, but this should be a walk in the park compared to the last 30 days. 

"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers." -Jose Narosky

Combat and PTSD go hand in hand.  One is usually enmeshed with the other.  Yet I often wonder about those who do not suffer PTSD after combat.  Who are these survivors and why them?  What makes them different?  What unique attribute do they possess that shields them from the horror of war?  What is their common thread?

One day, I plan to research this phenomenon.  

My last post announced my decision to donate a portion of the proceeds from my memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife to Pets for Vets, a group pairing veterans suffering with PTSD and rescued dogs.  As a courtesy, I sent them an email confirming my decision.  Their response was electric!  I was welcomed with open arms.

On March 23rd, they posted my blog on their Facebook and by the feedback, I knew I found my audience - others who know what it's like to live with PTSD.  Pets for Vets has offered to put my memoir, Diary of a Vet's Wife, Loving and Living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, on their website when the book is released - I'm aiming for July 4th, 2012.

Pets for Vets reaction far exceeded anything I ever imagined.  I'm humbled by this experience.  Please check them out at www.facebook.com/petsforvetsinc and see what a unique service they offer our veterans.

"According to the thread on Zoetrope, which came from an article in the Guardian, it cost one author $1500 to quote two lines from a Bob Marley song in his novel. The concept of fair use doesn't apply to lyrics."  

                             - Dawn Copeman, Writing-World.com

The final chapter of my memoir contains song lyrics that are crucial to the end of my story.  It was written exactly as it happened - my proof is safely tucked away in the back of a drawer, along with my husband's bronze stars.

Last week, I started the copyright search pertaining to these song lyrics.  My publisher advised that such permission could cost "hundreds to thousands of dollars" - which I do not have.  My plan was to beg on bended knee, if necessary, not knowing if these fees are iron clad - or flexible. 

I contacted ASCAP via email because the song in question did not appear on their database.  A reply sat in my email the next morning with names, the Work ID and the ISWC.  But it lacked an email address. 

I called the first name on the list in New York city at the phone number provided.  After explaining my request, the male person on the line supplied a name and an email address.  That afternoon, I emailed them my Copyright Permission Letter along with the last 3 pages of my manuscript.  Within minutes, it came back undeliverable.  I tried 3 different times.  NO LUCK!

The next morning, I called and reached the same person.  He asked what addresses I used. "Oh, those are the wrong addresses."  I knew that.  Then he gave me with another . . . it went through.

Research online stated it could take anywhere from 4 weeks to 3 months to receive a reply.  Start early!  This was a main concern . . .   

Two days later, a formal "quote proposal" for the lyrics requested, appeared in my email.  I was ECSTATIC!  It's good for 30 days.  The pricing didn't SEEM outrageous, however, it's written in legal terminology.  I don't have a literary lawyer, so I sent an email to my new publisher, asking if she would be willing to look it over.  Hopefully, I hear back on Monday.

Lessons learned . . . my two cents

A manuscript should be professionally edited prior to submission to "any publisher," verifying the writers confidence in their own work.  That is, unless the writer is qualified to edit.